bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
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My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Camping tip: No.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and