Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
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I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Animal poetry
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?