I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
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Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”