*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
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Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.