Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
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Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Sniffing the broccoli
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Please do it!
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!