I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
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The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I think they could have phrased this better
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
File under excellent bookstore names.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.