[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<