In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
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Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.