I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
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Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend