I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
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My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”