It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
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“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Ummm
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.