4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
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My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
not for long
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*