Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
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A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.