Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
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I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.