i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
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[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.