[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
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Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
“I wouldn’t.”
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”