My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
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It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
lol
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.