According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
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Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
me hooking up with my ex
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.