BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
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interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding