My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
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Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics