Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
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Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Just grow your own
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?