FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
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Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.