Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
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Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?