Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
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Chicken bread
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?