I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
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Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
the greatest twitter interaction
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.