Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
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If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Social distancing in Australia:
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Kermit goes Blue.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.