1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
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My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
My first son he is wonderful
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Note to self: I am a note