7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
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My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Thinking about Jeff
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.