If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
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Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again