Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
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As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security