As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
You Might Also Like
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
water it, i dare you
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?