What is going on? 😅
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I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Intelligence is the new cleavage
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.