I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
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Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
he’s sick of your bullshit today
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
😂😂
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.