@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
You Might Also Like
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
i now pronounce you bounced.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out