God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
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Best goalkeeper.. 😅
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?