*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
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Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
RT if you could go either way.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.