The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
You Might Also Like
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Labreador
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Guys, I found it.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.