I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
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*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
normalize having existential bread
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”