[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
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Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
WHY would you be happy about this?
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…