My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
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My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.