Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
You Might Also Like
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED