waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
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Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Okey dokey.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school