What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
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Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.