[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
You Might Also Like
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.