Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
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finally
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
PLEASE READ
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.