You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
You Might Also Like
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.