them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
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Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*