Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
You Might Also Like
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Buck naked
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
u guys got any snacks onboard here
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.