Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
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first you must answer his riddles
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
This hospital has everything
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
barbara was highly relatable
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!