this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
You Might Also Like
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
three things we don’t talk about
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”